After an Affair
Debra (not her real name)discovered her husband Richard had been conducting a long term affair. They still felt committed to staying together but she felt anger, loss of trust, and a serious lack of communication between them. When they arrived for their first appointment with me there was an almost palpable hostility in the room. They were there because they wanted to save their marriage but didn’t know where to begin. Both were mired in confusion and shame. Richard was in denial about how much pain he had caused, not only for Debra, but for himself. Debra needed clarity on why she continued to stay with Richard. She wanted to regain trust and safety but didn’t know how.
The first thing they needed was a referee to let each of them share their feelings in a safe place without verbally attacking and shaming the other. What came up were some of the fundamental disconnects in their relationship. Debra was a workaholic as her way of avoiding the pain of the relationship. Richard had some significant developmental issues which resulted in his acting out sexually and in reckless spending. Even previous to the affair, each had developed patterns of avoiding intimacy and connection in the relationship. Acknowledging some of these patterns was a first step in rebuilding their marriage.
I saw them together and also individually. Many couples therapists believe that clients should always be seen together but in this case I felt that each of them had developmental work that needed to be done before they were ready to come together as a couple. Debra needed to do significant processing around unresolved abandonment issues with her mother which clouded her relationship with Richard. Richard needed tools for managing anxiety and anger. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) proved a helpful approach for him.
As a couple I helped them understand the dynamics of their relationship through the lens of the Imago therapy model. We used couples’ exercises to help them express feelings and increase communication. Repairing their relationship has not been easy. They have gradually been able to increase their insight into the dynamics of their relationship, particularly how each of their individual issues play into the marriage conflicts. They are having more fun and are gradually regaining trust and safety.
David Shanks, LCSW
