I think every parent dreads getting a call from school reporting that their child is not doing well. Sometimes this can be a minor problem that is easily handled but when it becomes more serious what should you, as a parent, do? I see this come up frequently in my practice. It’s often a challenge for parents to manage their response. The first step is to take a deep breath and remember the goal. What we all want is to help children grow into happy, successful adults. It’s important not to over react or under react, and to always keep in mind that what we are looking for is a solution that helps your child get back on track.
When it comes to kids underperforming in school, there could be a variety of factors involved. In my experience the most common issue underlying problems at school is some kind of emotional upset, but it is important to take enough time to rule out other factors. The obvious first step is to talk to your child. Is your child unhappy, acting out, depressed or showing other signs of anxiety or depression? This can include changes in sleep, eating, social withdrawal, etc. Is your child distracted by outside activities such as social relationships, sports, or online games. If you have talked to your child do you get the impression that he or she is not telling you the whole story? There can be a hidden issue such as bullying. Some children have exaggerated fears 
or worries that make it hard for them to concentrate. It can even be a medical condition such as a hidden allergy or ADHD. If you can’t put your finger on the underlying issue for your kid’s underperformance, often a therapist can be helpful as a neutral and safe, third party.
Aside from finding out what is going wrong, it is important to provide the right levels of support and discipline to solve the problem. We all need to realize that no one is born with the skills of self regulation. We learn them from role models including teachers and peers, but especially from parents. Children may need help, for example, making a time and place for homework. They may need to connect with you, or a sitter, to talk about their day for 10 minutes and clear their head before doing homework. Or just the opposite – they may benefit from running around the yard for 20 minutes before being asked anything about homework, school, or what’s on their mind.
In respect to discipline, when something isn’t going well, parents can tend to hold the reigns too loose or too tight. Perhaps you grew up with strict discipline and choose that approach. On the other hand you may have reacted against rigid parenting and swung too far to the other side. The issue is finding the right balance. It’s like tuning the string on a musical instrument. If you turn the peg too tight, the string will break. If you don’t turn it enough you can’t produce a tone. I strongly believe that kids need appropriate limits. It’s a difficult job figuring out what is appropriate for e
ach child in each situation. The issue is to try to really see your child’s needs and help him or her learn how to deal with strong emotions, peer pressure, and distractions. The goal is to help them gain the skills of self-regulation, as well as self-esteem. And, we all have to learn to walk before we can run. Some kids may need close supervision for a while and that can include the traditional tool of grounding, but all discipline needs to come from the motive of helping the child mature rather than from a place of anger or fear. It’s also important to acknowledge that there is often no set answer – as they say, no “instruction booklet” for raising a child, or a teen. Solving emotional/behavior problems can take trial and error. By being clear & connected, parents can best steer toward the solutions their kids need.
David Shanks, LCSW is a therapist in Carrboro/Chapel Hill
