We all look forward to the Holidays, right? The Holidays certainly provide lots of opportunities for good times and family togetherness. But family relationships can be complex & challenging, and Holidays tend to bring up all the tensions which may have been hiding in the closet. For some the problem is not having family connections, feeling isolated and even depressed. For others the problem can be not having enough personal space when families get together.
The source of most of the unhappiness around Holidays comes from expectations – our own and the expectations of those around us. I think deep down we all want the Holidays to be a magical time in which we’re surrounded by love and good cheer. And it can be that way, but it isn’t always that way. If you recognize that deep desire, it’s OK as long as you are also willing to see that reality may not always live up to your fantasy.
Whatever the issue, it’s important to acknowledge your own feelings and deal with them honestly. That does not mean acting out or cutting off relationships. It’s really a matter of being real with yourself and making conscious decisions so you take care of yourself. Tending to your own self-care, be it going to the gym, meditating, or connecting socially, is key during any stressful time. And, it’s not something to put off until after the New Year. I think this is especially true if you have kids because what’s certain is that kids have exquisite antennae out for their parents’ feelings. If you experience stress during the holidays, put on your oxygen mask first so you will be able to be present and supportive for them. It’s OK to take time for yourself or make time to talk things out with a partner or friend. You don’t have to say yes to every invitation or request.
Complex family relationships are another potential source of conflict and stress. It’s not uncommon for parents to have to make more complex visitation arrangements with a former spouse. And there are often other family obligations and expectations that have to be dealt with. Teens may not really want to drive to visit their great aunt. Many families have the unspoken rule that “we all get along since we’re family.” And if you’re observant, you may pick up on other family rules that you may no longer agree with. The point is you can choose your own path. The goal is to get along, not necessarily agree on everything. You can still share what you do still have in common.
Holidays are times that for most of us bring back a flood of memories and feelings. Hopefully yours are happy but that is simply not always the case. What is important is to make healthy choices for yourself and the people you really do care for. Enjoy the good and honor the truth of your feelings. Life has both pain and pleasure. The more you can acknowledge what is and was painful, the more you can be present to yourself and the ones you love. When strong emotions or reflections surface over the Holidays – with adequate self-care, intention, and support, it can be an opportunity to heal.
It’s important to take care of yourself physically as well as emotionally. There are lots of temptations and expectations to eat and drink too much. It’s OK to say no. It’s OK to find other ways of bonding other than binging. And it’s OK to take a walk, go for a run or go to the gym.
Depression and anxiety are common during the Holidays. If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed you’re certainly not alone. What’s important is to know that you can get help. It may be taking a walk with a friend to talk things out. If you’re feeling out of control talking with a professional may be helpful. I strongly believe that whatever challenges you’re facing there is help and it’s important to know that.
David Shanks, LCSW is a therapist in Carrboro/Chapel Hill
