What Kids Need Most

child-counselingWhat kids need most is to be seen and valued. But for most of us, life is stressful. How can you as a parent, keep your heart open even when you’ve reached your limit?  The good news is that if we let them our kids will teach us how. I think it’s often a matter of getting out of our own way and letting the love happen. The adult world can distract us from these simple truths. It’s important to realize that our kids are not only watching and listening, but feeling what is going on with us. So what kids need is to get moments of genuine contact.  This is particularly true for young children, but also for us adults. These moments of connecting are really all important and play a major role in the developmental process.

Research shows that touch and human contact is necessary for normal development (Infant Mental Health Journal, Vol. 22(1–2), 7–66 (2001)). Kids don’t need words as much as a felt sense that they are loved and valued.  What we call human warmth is an actual hormonal response that is necessary at a chemical level for children to develop the capacity to create bonds with parents, friends and eventually mates.  The tough part is balancing your needs and the demands of adult life with the needs of your children.  Two main points: It’s not as much about time as about opening your heart and being present even for short periods. And second, it’s about taking enough care of your emotional needs that you can set aside your issues for those moments.  If you’re struggling with finances, with work pressures, with relationship difficulties, the good news is that doing what is good for you is also doing what is good for your kids.  A hug, an appropriate acknowledgement, a shared moment of fun, can help both of you literally reset your nervous system.  I’m saying this because it is easy to forget.

A common concern that parents bring to me in my practice is that their child is scattered at home or at school – not listening, not able to finish tasks, frustrated and distracted.  Often the situation with the child is adding to the parents’ stress creating a negative feedback loop. My job in this situation is to help the child learn to calm themselves.  This is an acquired skill that is not strictly mental but has to do with the ability to monitor and control internal feelings. Parents can also play a significant role in helping their child learn to better regulate emotionally. Often it’s a matter of helping the parents take judgment off themselves and their child and creating an environment in which they can connect. This may look like play but it is a kind of emotional learning that is crucial for future success in life.

On the other hand, it’s not about doing, but about being. I find its common for both kids and parents to get so involved in activities that the essential connection is missed. Just stop in your busy day, take a breath, make eye contact, and touch. Parents often think that in order to spend quality time with their kids they have to be with them every moment.  This is actually not the case. What kids need from you is your presence. Again take a few moments to deliberately center yourself, make eye contact and touch. Touch can be high fives, hugs or hand holding. What’s important is that you really see your child and your child feels seen. It’s simple but not always easy. In order to be present we have to let go of incessant mind chatter and constant distractions. Part of my work with kids is helping parents come back to themselves.

David Shanks, LCSW is a therapist in Carrboro/Chapel Hill

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