When Teen Love Becomes Obsession

teen-counselingIt’s natural to be attracted to someone, and to want to connect more and spend time together. As puberty approaches and hormones start to kick in, a new level of fascination can emerge. This too, is normal and expected. But for some teens, and increasingly younger kids, the “tweens,” attraction can become obsession.

How can you tell when a “school age crush” becomes a problem that needs to be addressed? It can be difficult. One of the problems for parents these days is the amount of communication going on through social media. For the most part, it’s hard if not impossible for parents to keep up with it all.

For example, if your child has a smart phone, chances are there are at least 4 – 10 apps that you won’t even recognize. According to the Pew Institute, 18% of teens send more than 200 texts per day. As a trend, the days of epic phone calls are generally over. Furthermore, once kids have smart phones, a lot of their communication is moved from the computer to the phone. Instagram, Facebook, texting – even if you have access to all these accounts, tracking them or micromanaging them is not always the best or even a possible solution. The newest app is hard to keep up with. One article lists 15 different sites and apps beyond Facebook, that kids are moving to.

What parents are left with is the old fashioned parenting techniques of communicating where possible and observing behaviors. So what should you look out for? Well, first, there are the usual signs that your teen is somehow “off balance.” Here are a few:

1. Moodiness.
2. Anger, oppositional behavior.
3. Shutting down, low affect, not communicating.
4. Sharp decline in social participation, including family life.
5. Change in eating patterns – wanting to be left alone at dinnertime.
6. Overly concerned with appearance – sloppy, hip, preppy or otherwise.

It’s not at all uncommon for teens to go through ups and downs. It’s only time to worry if these patterns persist or are severe. Teens frequently obsess over all kinds of things: clothes, hair, friends, phones, music, etc. For most kids this is part of the process of figuring out who they are as emerging individuals.

What is particular about teen obsession around dating, relationships and love, is that it is driven by the intense power of raging hormones. There is often a peculiar quality of aggression, backtalk, sulking or avoidance that accompanies a crush or relationship that has become obsessive. Over-attachment to a new connection, or frustration around unrequited love can quickly bring about dis-balance and irritation. And, teens will often deny that this is happening. Just like adults, they may deny that there is an issue because the highs are too high, or because there is strong denial and pain around the thought of their hopes and fantasies not being fulfilled.

We all know that to much extent relationships can be unpredictable, especially at their onset. Managing unpredictability and feelings of uncertainty can be very challenging. The uncertainty around love and relationships can bring about strong feelings of “out of control”. (For many teens, these feelings can be compounded by a parents’ divorce or separation, or the next step of preparing for college). Having peace and equanimity with such uncertainty can be very trying for a teen who badly wants to connect, or who feels like the relationship will “make everything right” in their lives. Teens can set their sights rigidly on certain outcomes, or be devastated if a good relationship goes sour.

If you are noticing that love has become obsession, then talk with your teen about dating. It’s important for them to know that it’s not the end of the world if something does not work out. Parents can’t “fix” a break-up, but they can model that big emotions are okay, and that they won’t “swallow you up”. Providing modeling and discussion around what is healthy in relationships can help your teen, and family adjust to this new and exciting stage of life.

David Shanks, LCSW is a therapist in Carrboro/Chapel Hill

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